If you are a parent, and make a twitter for your kids bowel movements, the kid should be taken away from you.

You lost me at "goth was cool"

Just A Thought: Maybe if people understood what the hell you were saying, people would follow.

Gotta Coach Them All!

Good thing you ran to the ER, my family was killed by pulled muscles.

Is that you Barry White?

No, they probably just think you're a hipster single-speed d-bag.

Drinking Alone + Tweeting = Recipe for Paaaaarty!

Viva La Revolucion?

What are you disguised as? Talented musicians?

St. Patty's Day a little early!

Then 9 months later they call you, letting you know you unwillingly just signed an 18 year contract.

So there really is nothing to live for this winter.

To hell if it malfunctions and takes out half of your city!

There's always MySpace

Because apparently, racism is a pretty hilarious subject for some people.

But those 'uggers deserved it.

Humans: Nature's masterpiece.

Some jumping jacks would probably do the trick...

Thank god!

Life tip # 231: If Facebook's farmville is the only reason to get out of bed, don't.

Pentagram Tramp Stamps.

Must be in law school.

Party til you puke.

Just in time for Friday night baby!!!

Funny, it makes most of us want to go on a rampant murdering spree...

Because hipsters are indeed a dying breed in NYC.

But it was the best part of your cat's day.

In your case, I'd get tested anyway.

If you have flea bites, you've got bigger problems than the itchiness.

Twitter black market.

Thanks be to god.

Twitter, circa 1941

It's always good to have a plan in life.

Ahh yes, the capitalist corporation commies... you have to watch out for those.

Usually happens when you're visiting Spain.

Unlike New York, where they sit there waiting to mug you.

Dear Penthouse...

Probably similar to the reason why Jewish people don't like when you shout "Heil Hitler" at them.

The amazing part is that she has 19 followers.

Actually, only on Thursday.